Denton Rose - Paranormal Investigator
Founder and President of D.R.I.P.S.
(Denton Rose International Paranormal Society)
His Alleged Birth
Denton Rose, one of the World’s Leading Authorities on the ParaNormal was born near Wichita during a four minute correction of time in 1980 on February 29th. These corrections in time are adjustments to the World Clock which must be made in the Greenwhich Mean Time supposedly to account for the ellipitical shape of both the Earth and its orbit around the Sun. Born during this correction or non-existent four minute period of time in space on a day which occurs only once every four years, Denton Rose is either 7.38 years old, non-existent or biologically 29.
Denton’s parents, Carl and Darlene, always felt this was the root cause for their child’s general Para Normalcy, excessive hair growth and skunk stripe. Carl and Darlene Rose, individually and jointly, have always publicly denied any contact with extra-terrestrials, abductions and probings by aliens.
First Signs
Carl and Darlene first noticed Li’l Denton’s tendency toward the paranormal in the crib. Rather than cooing and watching his mobile of rubbery fish strung from fish line like any normal baby, L’il Denton used his abnormally large big toe and abnormally small second toe to snatch the fish dangling above his crib. L’il Denton ingested the fish one by one.What happened next is filed at the FBI X-Files office. Gifts or Curses?
Then there was the report of his Nanny, Frau Gertrude Ruebler, two years later. We quote her directly from a home video made by Carl Rose in June of 1983. (Frau Ruebler seated at the piano) I vas introducing L’il Denton to my musical instruction for piano and vital organs vhich I call Krawling ze Keyboards. It’z an intenze program vhich basically begins and ends vit yust letting the child crawl on the keyboard. Denton vas my prodigy. At three he vas crawling Vagner! But one day vhen he vas just crawling his scales ze top of ze piano began to open and close violently of its own free vill.” (from just off camera Carl is heard) Are you sure it wasn’t just ChiChi Rodriguez in the baby grand again, Frau Ruebler? Yah vecause I immediately ran to ze bathroom thinking it was a tornado and closed the door behind me. And zhere vas ChiChi lapping from ze loo. The Earliest Recorded Intentional ParaNormal Experimentation L’il Denton continued developing his scientific skills and knowledge as a young boy at home. After several bad experiences with attempts at both public and private pre-schools, Carl and Darlene Rose had opted for home schooling. (See The Public versus Carl and Darlene Rose; Kansas Law Review, June 1985 and “Four Year Old Denies Creating Detention Camp in Cloakroom” The Wichita Recorder, May, 12, 1985) In 1987 when Denton would have been in the second grade, he received an Uncle Milton’s Ant Farm. Thrilled and stimulated by the possibilities, L’il Denton immediately dispensed with the instructions and created his own ant food from a combination of Scott’s Miracle Gro, Whey Protein and Rogaine. He administered his ant food by mixing it with a liquid energy formula that Denton administered to his tiny minions using a small eye dropper.
Denton’s Ants developed huge thoraxes and heads with shocking hair growth, but little or no corresponding increase in leg growth. Trapped in their Uncle Milton glass ant farm, Denton’s ants grew until their own rapid growth painfully rendered them as large, dead smushed globs between the glass panes.
Denton First Contact with Either The Spirit World or PBS or Both!
It was later that same year when Denton received his first Ouiga Board. Denton was very excited by this first contact. Following the directions on the box for a change, Denton placed his fingertips on the plastic slider and received very direct and practical answers and advice; “You need to go have a bowel movement!”, “Wash your hair daily. I think something is growing in there.” And “Have you ever actually flossed in your entire life?”
Excited by these contacts, seven year old Denton used clamps to connect the Ouiga Board to a Wang Word Processor utilizing an early USB port. By connecting a monitor and a printer, Denton was able to make contact with and print out recipes from the famous chef, Julia Child. (At this time, Ms. Child was still alive and living in New England. However, the recipes did keep coming through Denton’s Ouiga Board contact after her death!
Oddly enough though, the recipes ceased when Martha Stewart was briefly imprisoned for stock fraud in the early 21st Century.
Extra Curricular ParaNormalcy
At the age of ten, Denton joined the local Boy Scout Troop having bypassed the Cub Scout Program at the insistence of his neighborhood’s Den Mother. Denton actually formed some friendships in the Troop since it was made up almost entirely of home schoolers.Being the offspring of survivalists and fundamentalists of every stripe and color, no one found Denton odd.
Denton raced through the levels of scouting, completing the requirements for badges almost daily. This did produce some jealousy and envy among his new circle of friends. These sentiments grew when Denton, having completed his Eagle Scout requirements, created the new category of Skunk Scout which nearly received an official BSA endorsement. Unfortunately, the Skunk Scout level did require the scout to levitate, become adept at soul travel and out of body experiences involving knitting and crochet. On the final Camporee, Denton’s father, Carl and the Scoutmaster had to save Denton from being burned at the stake.
The ParaWonder Years
Ah, puberty by any other name would smell the same. And so it was with our young squire, Denton. Yes, at a certain hormone level all young men’s thoughts turn to love and thermonuclear devices which can detect cytoplasm! At the very precocious age of fourteen, Denton couldn’t help but become enamored of his neighbor, Cindy Lou Hefflewhite. While Cindy Lou was two years older than Denton and dating a punk rocker seven years older, she couldn’t help but have a healthy respect for Denton’s lack of hygiene, health and normalcy. Denton misinterpreted her admiration for true love and began to send her letters, leave phone messages and create tiny neoplasms from DNA he gleaned from Cindy Lou’s hairbrush. These neoplasms grew and mutated making life for the Hefflewhites a living hell. Cindy Lou’s older punk rocker boy friend, Blight, had his nose slowly eaten away by one of Denton’s creations. Once again, Denton ran afoul of the law, the National Science Foundation and the Geneva Convention’s Accords.
Dealing with First Pet Death
Every child must face their own mortality when their first pet leaves this plane of existence. There’s nothing like poking a dead gerbil with your number 2 pencil or dragging a dead dog fourteen blocks on a leash to make you want to ask your parents the big questions. But not Denton Rose! His dog was 19 years old and he was due, way past due.
Poor ChiChi had received a one horn implant on his muzzle from Denton just two months prior to his death. This made ChiChi the World’s First Unicorn Cocker Spaniel! Several people noted that ChiChi had no wings, however, so Denton quickly (and rather unevenly) transplanted two pigeon wings on ChiChi’s back.
Less than a week after his last surgery, ChiChi became morose and went into a deep depression. Then ChiChi committed suicide by biting hard on a live wire connecting Carl and Darlene’s big screen TV to a wall plug. The Unicorn Spaniel seized like the Energizer Bunny on Nuclear power. ChiChi flew around the room for a good ten minutes before Darlene knocked him down with her oven mitts. While the whole family mourned ChiChi’s passing, they were also amazed and proud that he had actually gotten airborne with those little pigeon wings.
Well, acquainted with death and the afterlife from his many experiments and investigations, when ChiChi failed to respond, Denton jumped right in. But after a good two hours of mouth to mouth, Carl was able to pry his boy off the surgically altered, dead pooch.
A week later Darlene adopted Spookie, a calico cat, from the local pound and gave her to Denton. Denton immediately placed Spookie in his backpack for safe keeping. Determined that this pet would not die, Denton has never, to our knowledge, removed Spookie from his backpack. They communicate with one another in a secret language and taps on the back that are very much like Morse Code. If you’re lucky you can occasionally glimpse Spookie’s paw extending out of the backpack with a sand encrusted lump or a tiny plastic jar of liquid or a typed page of instructions for Denton.
First Job and Current Employment
Ten years ago Denton was forced to begin paying for his own experiments and investigations by his loving parents, Carl and Darlene. In this admirable attempt at tough love, Mr. and Mrs. Rose had no idea what they were unleashing on their neighborhood, their city and the World as we know it.
What began as a simple Summer lawn mowing scheme soon ballooned into an international incident and paranormal phenomenon unlike anything before. Denton had learned from the unpleasantness with Uncle Milton’s Ants to always research first, do his homework. Before he would mow his first lawn, Denton tried to consult the spirit world for the advice of Yard Boys from previous eras.
Using a dance from the Nez Perce Tribe and combining it with a Mayan sacrifice (not human, of course, but ChiChi’s corpse was awful handy) and a Norse Epic Poem, Denton contacted every spirit who had ever cut grass, smoked grass or grazed. Within moments materializations included a lawn jockey, teams of muskox, Viking Princes, Mayan Kings, Jerry Garcia and Jimi Hendrix. It took a team of experts twelve hours to clear the air and restore order.
As a hedge against future paranormalcy, Carl bankrolled Denton in his first legitimate business, Lawn Mower Repair. Working together, Carl and Denton bonded over two cycle engines. After six months they had developed a good following and a fine customer base. Carl stepped away from the business and let his little eagle soar. Denton found lawnmower repair fun, but he just could not give up his love for the strange, the weird and the paranormal. Thus he continues today, investigating, explaining and creating paranormalcy wherever it occurs!
First International Case of Note
The first case that really brought the world’s attention to Denton’s doorstep were the famous English farmland crop circles. Everyone from M. Night Shamalan to Carl Sagan had taken a shot at the bizarrely and intricately designed patterns in the cornfields of Dorset. But it was Denton Rose who finally cracked the case with his amazing powers! The patterns in the English cornfields were.....INGROWN CORN! Yes, just like a painful ingrown toenail or fingernail, Denton Rose dug up row after row of ingrown maize, (we call it corn) with stalks extending 6 to ten feet underground. The scientific community was forced to sheepishly admit that the amazing Rose had made his point.